Neil Young with Crazy Horse is a match made in heaven! Last nights concert was phenomenal! 😍 #concert #neilyoung #guitarhero #crazyhorse
Wow I’ve been MIA for the longest time. My sincerest apologies.
I wanted to give you a short update on what’s been going on in my life. As you know I’ve been struggling with an eating disorder and severe depression. I can’t tell you that I’m recovered, because I’m not.
I’d love to just flip the switch and completely detach my emotions and feelings of self worth from food. I’d love to let go of my worries and live in peace. I’d love to stop compulsively overeating. Unfortunately right now though my wishes are not reality. I’m working really hard to overcome the compulsive eating and in that respect I’m about 70% successful. Only about 2 days of the week I’m binging. I just have to keep pushing myself and holding myself accountable for what I eat.
My depression has gotten better as well. I’m working out daily and the endorphin boost is really lifting my mood and getting me out of this funk I’ve been in. I’m a lot happier and relaxed. Thankfully I’m not overly anxious all the time and can actually find moment of peace, like right now.
My body image and self perception unfortunately is the biggest block that needs work. My thoughts in the past have been so twisted telling me that if I don’t weigh a certain weight that I’m not worthy; That if I don’t look a certain way I’m not beautiful; That if I’m not underweight I’m fat; That if I don’t have a thigh gap I’m hideous; That if I’m not the best I’m the worst; That if I can’t have 100% control I’m a loser. It all comes back to me being a perfectionist. I’m trying to detach my self worth from body weight and my body image right now. It’s a challenge for sure. I have moments in which I’m in peace with myself and accept that I don’t have the best body. There are moments in which I accept that if I want to change the way my body looks I will have to work at it. Then again, there are also moments in which I relapse into my old habits of talking myself down, telling myself I’m fat, and judging myself based on what other may or may not think.
Ultimately I could go ahead and say I blame society for making me the way I am, but that would be one big fat lie. I’d be delusional to think that someone else’s thoughts or actions might dictate who I am. I am who I chose to be. I am who I made myself. I’m in charge of my own thoughts, my own actions, my own problems. No one else has a say in what I do with my body or what I think. It is MY fault. Mine alone. Yes, there are outside influences that have pushed me in a certain direction, but in the end I let these forces push me and guide me to where I am now.
For anyone out there who is facing similar problems as I am, know that you are not alone. There are more people than you think who are dealing with these issues as well. The first step is to realise you have a problem and accept that it is in fact your fault, not anyone else’s. Then find professional help. Psychologists are very helpful in pushing you in the right direction. Accept those pushes and be the person you have every single right to be.
Oh and PS happy late birthday to me ;)
Form is getting better. Weights are getting heavier. #fit #gym #health #fitgirl #deadlift #bubblebutt #train
Black detox facial mask anyone? #weird #facial #spaday #ilooklikeahippo
Somehow today was a weird day. Did the Spartan 1000 workout in 40min, then went to the hospital. No correlation. #wellshit #weirdface #dontbeme #atleastimalive